meteor garden :)

six days and counting of being sick. time to get better already!

i have this irrepressible urge to dig out season one of meteor garden and do it all over again - pulling almost inhumanly impossible all-nighters, camping out in front of the laptop until the images start blurring :P the soundtrack started playing on itunes shuffle and it brought back all these memories of year 10.

yesterday i had this strangely honest, slightly unsettling conversation with someone that i'm not sure i like talking to. i guess it doesn't have anything to do with the person himself; i think i'm just uncomfortable being reminded of some of the bad decisions/poor judgment calls i've made in the past. see, me and this person, let's call him A, have some sort of history. anyway, A told me that when things went south for us, there was a time that he wanted to get back at me by becoming really rich or something, and then when he next saw me he'd snob me off. i didn't quite understand, because at that time to me it was a simple matter of stopping something that i'd set in motion with my indecisiveness, taking a stand. A explained that it was to do with the whole dumping thing - that anyone would feel demoralized afterwards and naturally would want to show that they're better, etc etc. which sort of made me think that sometimes the things we do, the efforts we put into something.. they might make us feel better, but i don't think it actually has the same effect that we intend - i.e. to make the other person regret leaving you. when someone doesn't love you anymore, you can move mountains for them and put the world at their feet and to them it would be nothing. this same person once said to me (years ago) that sometimes he thinks that it's like i'm blind to the things that people do for me..but looking back now i know that maybe it's true, maybe i didn't love enough to see.

a close friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend last night. he asked her 'if you had a job and your boss treated you really well one day and treated you really badly the next would you stay or would you leave to find another job?' she stayed and he left. he was the boss in the analogy.

if someone stopped loving me, it'd be hard to stay wouldn't it? so which is more painful, leaving them, or staying knowing that your love is unrequited?

charles says that it depends on whether that person stopped loving you voluntarily or not. involuntarily could be like, losing your memory or something and in that case it wouldn't be as bad as voluntarily not loving someone. but how do you choose to stop loving someone voluntarily? if it's possible.. then is it even love?

do we change for ourselves, or do we change for the other person and call it love? does loving someone mean changing for them, and if it does, whatever happened to the soul mate theory?

i've taken to baking again just to while away the time at home when i'm too sick to go to uni and study, but i've had enough of rotting at home.


vanilla roulade :)


orange poppyseed cake

anyway, after all the reflecting and stuff, i came to the conclusion that there's something that i must change about myself. i think sometimes i can't understand the way other people think or do the things they do. i must try to either understand more, or respect that they do things for their own reasons.