the magic that was you and me

that time of the year again!
i don't know why whoever it was, made it so that exams fall in spring.. the weather is honestly too beautiful these days to spend it being cooped up indoors, doing that cramming thing we all do every year :P

the summer beckons, long and stretched out and filled with promise!
all too soon.. (i'd say definitely too soon.. i'm still 2 exams to go LOL) my head is filled with thoughts of bright blossomy sunny spring days withering into the heat of summer.. and i am so full of anticipation that i feel like i'm radiating energy. lol.. clearly giddy on the excitement!!

here's a couple of things i plan to do, and i'm writing it down so i don't forget..for my first ever december here!

1. spend lazy mornings and afternoons combing through the sunday market along southbank.. camberwell market.. and vic market.. YAY!

2. breakfasting in hardware lane.. :) or even dining there..
lately developed this obsession with quaint little bistro places with al fresco dining. must find more places!

3. STOKERS! enough said. i don't know why i like it so much (well i do, but you know, unnaturally much) lol. i am curiously drawn to the place.. and no it's not the unhealthy love for pancakes either.

4.movie nights! popcorn and junk food and squishing on the couches with the weirdest movies sometimes feels like a slice of what bliss might be..

5.books.. BOOKSBOOKSBOOKS!! i am starved for books! :D someone showed me a list the other day of top 100 books compiled by time magazine.. hoho.. there's nothing i love more than making plans..

6.EXPLORE.. zhen and i decided to go food exploring for all the coolest places in melb where you can get food at 2am in the mornings heehee!! i think we had this place called ondergrounds on our list.. plus let them eat cake

7.cook.. i am going to be experimental and cook up a storm in the holidays

8. MUST DO: visit the beach on a hot day.. at night and sit and watch the waves =)) beach in the day is good tooooo

9.shop? (i know it's so far down on my list but lately i find if i don't walk into a shopping center i am not tempted!)

10.exercise.. *grumble* maybe swimming?

11.learn to drive manual and get my license

12.car huntingggg

13.zomg. PLAN AN 18TH.. if i can be bothered ;)

and the more boring stuff..
clean out my room.
grow out my nails.
change the hair color for work.
learn to do some legal drafting. (yippee)

I CANT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

And it's okay
If you had to go away
Oh, just remember the telephones
Well, they're working in both ways
But if I never, ever hear them ring
If nothing else
I'll think the bells inside have finally found you someone else
And that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you say

prayer

something van said reminded me of something he said, a year ago just before i got my vce mark.

i told him i was too scared to check it myself, and he said he would do it for me.

i checked it myself in the end, but i didn't get around to telling him.. until i got an sms from him telling me my marks.. and i just didn't want to spoil it by saying.. i'd found the courage to check it myself.

i never told him i checked it myself, and i never told him that he was the one who gave me the courage to do it.
he said, i don't pray, but i'll pray for you. and since it doesn't happen...the one time that it does, it should work.

i spent the last hour going through the messages on my old phone, hoping i would find it still.

still looking.

hm. i messaged you on msn. it's been like a year since we talked, but i hope you reply.

stones taught me to fly

huh. i've listened to these words over and over for years, never really understanding what they meant. i used to mildly turn over the words in my head, searching for the meaning, but not really needing to know.

till we played "guess the line" in the car a couple of weeks ago, and we all had to pick our favourite line. i couldn't pick one, coz i didn't understand the song.

figured it out last night.
suddenly i have a whole new appreciation for it.

stones taught me to fly
love it taught me to lie
life it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

woomun, if you're reading this, thanks :P
and don't worry, i'm not emo. never better!

heres a line for you though, figure it out.

selfishness taught me you.

:D

i bid you goodnight.

dream catch me when i fall..

it occurred to me today, when i was staring down my accounting textbook which has lain untouched over the holidays in its exiled corner of the room, that i am afraid.

i am terrified of the thought of failing, at anything.

all my life i have rejected things that did not come naturally to me, stuff that i didn't have an easy aptitude for.

schoolwork:
i hated chinese.
i hated maths.
i hate strongly dislike accounting.

children:
i am terrified of them, cos i'm scared they won't like me.

love:
i can't love, cos i think i'm bad gf material and what's the point, when relationships fail at this age? not all.. but like, you know, most.

music:
i changed instruments when it got too hard, and i thought i wouldn't pass my theory exam.

conclusion i came to = in not perservering, i have already failed.

blah.
i am a soaring bird, spiralling into the depths of the blue sky. the 1000 miles song says, "if i could fall, into the sky.. do you think time, would pass me by?" if you had to fall into the sky, the world must be upside down.
i am a star, burning steadily through the cosmos.
i am the wind as it threads itself in the spaces between us.. carrying away with it the unspoken words.

..dream catch me, when i fall.

lost

i am not sure what it is, but i feel hollow, directionless, and uninspired. going through the motions, walking the path without knowing where i am going.
i am existing and not living, seeing the sights but not drinking them in, inhaling the scents but not savouring them, tasting the food.. and well, loving it :P
that still remains unchanged.

on a more serious note though, i have no idea what it is, but i need to feel centered, secure, CERTAIN.

i need.. a safety net, for when i fall.