a thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

i love christmas carols. there's something about sitting amongst screaming kids, blissful couples, barking dogs, frazzled parents, and serene grandparents that make me feel whole inside, makes me forget the worldly worries that weigh on me. i love the fireworks that streak into the sky, so fast and so glorious that you keep your eyes open to capture them in your mind long after they're gone. i love the faint traces of light they leave in the sky, a burning reminder of something beautiful and precious in its short life that managed to leave its mark. i love christmas songs, from the old ones like away in a manger and silent night, to the contemporary ones like O holy night and last christmas - the voices gathering and rising into the night, sweet and clear and bright and hopeful, and the bright lights waving in a synchronized sea. tonight i missed being part of the music. there's this amazing swelling of your heart when you're in a band or a choir and all at once you hear perfect harmony in a single note - where every single player or singe has, by their combined efforts, achieved a single moment of perfection. i miss that feeling.

its a mixture of hope and hopelessness, of fear and of missing, of pain and of loneliness and nobody to share it with. i wish i could change the choice that he made. i wish i could switch my brain off; i wish i could disconnect myself from the ache in my chest..and i wish i didn't have to get out of bed today.